Nooroo Uses a Swear Word
by dfcfanfics
Summary: He really, really does. But he has a very good reason, so... let's hear him out, shall we? Crackfic, one-shot.


MiracuCrack R13: Nooroo Uses A Swear Word

(- Or - The Final Safeguard)

by DFC

(Timeline: Doesn't really matter much.)

* * *

The lair of Hawkmoth was uncharacteristically well-lit on this evening. The observation window let in its customary beam of illumination, but this time Hawkmoth had turned on all the lights, not caring if anyone saw a strange glow coming from his home.

_And why not? _thought Nooroo. _He is utterly triumphant. He has ultimate power within his reach._

Nooroo huddled nervously amongst a swarm of white butterflies, as if to somehow disguise himself as one of them. In the center of the room stood Gabriel Agreste, arms raised high, one hand gripping a black ring and the other a pair of red-and-black earrings.

"I have _done it!_" the villainous fashion mogul monologued. (That was about the only word Nooroo had for it; no one else was here, and Gabriel certainly wasn't holding much of a conversation with _him._) "I have _finally_ defeated those costumed children, seized their Miraculous, and thrown back all attempts to stop me. The power that I have sought is _in my hands_. In moments, I will begin the Wish and I will revive Emilie... and once the Kwamis have recovered sufficiently, there will be another Wish, and another and another... until no one on this _planet_ can defy my will."

"Surely, Master, reviving Emilie would be enough, would it not?" Nooroo whimpered. "The backlash of that Wish alone could destroy someone's life. Someone close to you, someone you don't know... perhaps even Adrien."

"Adrien will thank me when all of this is over with," gloated Gabriel. "When he is in his mother's arms, warm and inviting. When he learns that his father can change the world to suit his whims. When he is a literal prince of this Earth. And if for some reason he is _not_ content... I hold his sole means of resistance in my hand," he grinned, displaying the Cat ring to Nooroo. "I cannot be stopped now... and I will not."

"You're going to _blow up France,_ is what you're going to do," grumbled Nooroo. "You don't know how this works."

"Ah, but I assume that _you_ do?" leered Gabriel. "And as your Master, I order you to tell me how this Wish is properly performed."

Nooroo sighed loudly. "Yes, Master, I will."

* * *

"First... sit cross-legged on the floor. Clear your mind as much as possible. Hold the earrings in your left hand and the ring in your right." Nooroo paused as Gabriel assumed the requested position. "Concentrate on each Miraculous. Do you feel the power emanating from each? It should feel like a warm throb in your soul."

"Yes... yes, I do!" Gabriel gasped, excitedly. "What next?"

"So many more things are possible, now that you are in control of the primal forces of Creation and Destruction. For example, you could choose to free your spirit from the confines of your human body, so as to be even more attuned to the energies of the Miraculous. To do so, you would close your eyes and simply will yourself to not need flesh and blood any more. Float above it all and view the world from a spiritual realm."

As Nooroo spoke, he watched Gabriel close his eyes; once this had happened, Nooroo touched one butterfly near him, then another. Each one he activated turned a purplish color, hovering in place.

"I am not sure... is this working, Nooroo?" Gabriel intoned, concentrating as hard as he could.

"It is easy when you understand how. Set your empty mind adrift. Visualize yourself as part of the air itself. If you let go of your attachments to this world, you will soar like a spiritual angel," Nooroo counseled.

"I... _OH!_"

Gabriel's voice cut off suddenly. Nooroo watched as a humanoid form composed of blue, sparkling energy rose up out of Gabriel's physical form, slowly rising until it floated cross-legged a meter above his now silent body.

"This is... this is _unbelievable, Nooroo!_" Gabriel marveled, examining his spirit form with whatever senses he now possessed. "As if I am in tune with the cosmos itself!"

"Indeed."

With a sudden gesture... Nooroo sent five purple butterflies shooting forwards! Each one struck Gabriel's body and made it jump from an injection of mystic energy.

"_Hey!_ What do you think you are doing, Nooroo?" a startled Gabriel shouted. Nooroo heard it telepathically, rather than out loud, but registered it just the same.

"I am explaining the process of the Wish to you, Gabriel. And now that I have sealed your consciousness out of your body _permanently,_ you will be unable to perform it in any way... so I will now continue with explaining the next step in the process."

_"WHAT?"_

* * *

Gabriel's spirit form jerked violently, thrusting itself downwards at the physical body beneath it... but seemed to bounce off of it rather than finding some way to rejoin it.

"Don't bother, Gabriel," Nooroo noted. "It won't work."

The rage of Spirit Gabriel was matched only by its apparent impotence. "_WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?"_ he roared back at Nooroo.

"Something I do not take pleasure in, but which was necessary," answered Nooroo. "I safeguarded the Ladybug and the Cat from one who would misuse them in the most terrible of ways; to steal the very life of another."

"How... I am your _Master!_ How are you capable of betraying me like this?" Spirit Gabriel snarled.

"I followed your directions to the letter," sniffed Nooroo, self-satisfied. "You asked me to explain the process to you. I began doing so... by explaining the state you were in, the power that you felt, and a separate action that you could choose to perform instead. Which you did. I did not make you separate your spirit from your body; you did it on your own."

"You _TRICKED_ me!"

"Of course I did."

Nooroo floated over to Spirit Gabriel, who was still flailing ineffectually at his former body. "Gabriel, I would like to explain a couple of things to you. You should listen to them... as there is nothing else that you can do any more."

"I have had _enough_ of this!" Spirit Gabriel demanded. "Release me at _ONCE!_ Or I will-"

"_YOU WILL BE QUIET."_

* * *

And he was.

"There. Just so that we understand the actual pecking order around here," Nooroo half-smiled. "Gabriel, I assume that in your travels, in your _vast _collection of mystical knowledge," he mocked Gabriel lightly, "you have encountered the legend of the Genie. Some were in lamps, some were in rings, some were mightier than others, but all were magical creatures emerging from shiny objects who could grant wishes and make the impossible happen."

"...Sound at all familiar to you?" Nooroo added. "A set of bejeweled objects that could turn the whole world upside-down with magical power?"

Spirit Gabriel merely stared back, blankly.

"One thing that those stories always stressed was how careful the wisher had to be. How the wording needed to be precise and all ambiguity needed to be avoided, lest a disapproving genie turn the wish against the requestor. One would think that after a couple of thousand years of passing down such stories, some of it might sink in. Perhaps I expect too much," mused Nooroo.

"But 'Master' this and 'Master' that. How easy it was to bend me to your will. That never registered with you, Gabriel?" he asked his glowing former captor. "Gabriel, I am older than your _planet_. I am a Kwami of Transmission. I manifested on Earth the first time that some dribble of sentience on your world formed a slight desire to call out to another. The idea of your outwitting and dominating me is _preposterous."_

He stared at the glowing form for a moment, then noted in an offhand manner, "Oh... you can speak again."

"If you could trick me and imprison me like this... if you had this power... why did you never use it before?" gasped Spirit Gabriel.

"Many reasons," answered Nooroo. "We believe in giving humans free will as much as possible, unless primal forces are about to be misused horribly. Like, let us say, not caring whom the life force to revive your wife would come from. That would be on our no-no list, hmmm?"

He flew in close to Spirit Gabriel's... well, where his face would have been. "And I had _such_ hopes that you would choose another path, eventually. You did withhold your full power when creating Akumas, at least... your proxies were empowered to threaten and damage property for the most part, not sink continents or end human lives by the truckload. So many times, I encouraged you to consider your actions and find a better way... and, so many times, you refused."

"And I had considered the effects of this action on your son. This will not be easy on him... but he is a strong and moral child. In time, he will understand fully."

* * *

Spirit Gabriel hung limply in the air. "This was all _for_ my son. You must understand that!" he protested, vainly.

"You can tell yourself that, Gabriel. I know better," Nooroo replied, shaking his head.

"So... what happens now?" Spirit Gabriel asked. "To me?"

"Oh... that will not be difficult. I have Akumatized your body... and I'll be running it for the short term," smiled Nooroo. "You _were_ aware that Kwamis can use their powers on their own, without a transformed human host controlling them, yes?"

"What did you _do to it?" _gasped Spirit Gabriel.

"I gave it the power to be controlled by a Kwami, like a puppet with magical strings, and to seal itself off from all other spiritual contact."

As if on cue, the body of Gabriel Agreste sat up and looked around. "Harumph, harumph, harumph!" it barked out. "I'm Gabriel Agreste! Your designs are inadequate and simplistic! Sign these contracts, harumph harumph, bring me coffee, I'm a very important man!"

It slumped down again. Nooroo shrugged, "This will not be hard to fake until I can explain it in full to Adrien. I can tap into your old memories as I need to, to get various details correct. It would be more difficult for me to impersonate a Golden Retriever."

"As for you," he continued, "you have about... oh... a couple of hours before you discorporate into the ether completely. If you ask me _nicely_, I will embed your spirit into an object in this house, or into the house itself; you can haunt it until I decide something else to do with you. I would recommend that you look around quickly and work on your groveling, lest I embed you into the upstairs toilet."

"_THAT_ will not be necessary," Spirit Gabriel gasped. "I will... pick _something_ out quickly..."

* * *

Defeated, Spirit Gabriel curled into a little ectoplasmic ball. Nooroo flew over to his side and spoke in a low voice.

"I want you to know, Gabriel, that no matter how badly you may have mistreated me... this was not meant to be personal," Nooroo emphasized. "This was brought on by your own insistence on using the Wish to overthrow the natural order of things. We Kwamis enjoy humans, for the most part; you have created many things that bring joy to our existences. You are like kittens to us; small, rambunctious and unpredictable, quite fun to watch. But a kitten with a nuclear detonator in its mouth must be dealt with."

"Is there some _slight_ pleasure that I take from this? I will admit that there is," smiled Nooroo. "There is an ancient cosmic principle that evolves in all intelligent civilizations. The phrasing is different from place to place, but the theme is universal. Here on Earth, it has best been expressed by an American, some years ago."

Spirit Gabriel stared at him, expectantly, as Nooroo took a deep breath.

"Don't _FUCK_ with a Jedi Master, son," Nooroo bellowed.

* * *

Spirit Gabriel's ethereal jaw dropped. He watched as Nooroo, whistling to himself, motioned to Gabriel's body; it rose from the ground, dusted itself off and followed Nooroo to the elevator platform. "I'm Gabriel Agreste! Doop-dee-doo! I have great hair!" it practiced, as the platform activated and whisked them out of sight.

Several moments passed... and then the blue spirit form bolted straight up into the house, searching frantically for a new non-toilet-related home for itself.

* * *

~fin~


End file.
